A Midsummer Night's Nightmare InuYasha Style!
by claihm solais
Summary: COMPLETE A Midsummer Night's Nightmare, indeed! Will Inu-Yasha get Kagome, or will Kikyo drag him to hell with her? Rated for Inu-Yasha's loose tounge.
1. A Midsummernight's Nightmare Prologue

Patrick Huu presents:

A Slightly Surreal Production --- A Rumiko Takahashi's Inu-Yasha Fanfic  
  
(not quite) William Shakespeare's  
A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S NIGHTMARE

  
  
Dramatis Personae  
  
MIROKUBERON, King of the Fairies (Miroku)  
SANGOTANIA, Queen of the Fairies (Sango)  
KAGURAPUCK, or Pixie Badfellow (Kagura)  
KOHAKU, a Fairy and brother to the Queen (Kohaku)  
  
KAGOMENA, in love with INU-YASHIUS (Inu-Yasha)  
KIKYOLENA, in love with INU-YASHIUS (Kikyo)  
INU-YASHIUS, in love with KAGOMENA (Inu-Yasha)  
NARAKUANDER, in love with KIKYOLENA (Kikyo)  
  
KOUGASEUS, Prince of the wolf youkai tribe  
KAEDELYTA, Queen of the Miko, betrothed to KOUGASEUS

SESSHOUGEUS, father to INU-YASHIUS  
JAKENSTRATE, master of the revels to SESSHOUSEUS  
  
HOJO BOTTOM, a weaver (Hojo)  
SHIPPO QUINCE, a kitsune carpenter (Shippo)  
KIRARA SNUG, a demonic fire-cat joiner and sister to SHIPPO (Kirara)  
MYOGA FLUTE, a bellows-mender (Myoga)  
SOUTA SNOUT, a tinker and also the only "normal" person (Souta)  
KANNA STARVELING, a tailor and sister to SOUTA (Kanna)  
  
and  
A BUNCH OF OTHER PEOPLE WE DON'T CARE ABOUT  
  
Author's Note: Well, since Rowan so nicely asked me to keep writing parodies, here is the second of Shakespeare's works...Dedicated to the two nice girls of Sorelle DiAnima, Rowan and Moriko, as well as my friends Eric and Pierre. I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: Inu-Yasha – A Feudal Fairy Tale belongs to Rumiko Takahashi. A Midsummer Night's Dream belongs to William Shakespeare. (Just try to dispute that ;-))  
  
*****

PROLOGUE: Cast & Introduction

  
  
_Enter entire cast plus the director (me)._

_Patrick_: Everyone ready?

_Inu_-_Yasha: I can't believe I let you and that wench draw me into another of your crummy plays._

_Kagome_: Oh, come on, Inu-Yasha! It's fun!

_Inu_-_Yasha: Feh._

_Miroku_: I do like the cast. (grins at Sango)

_Sango_: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, YOU LECHEROUS MONK!

Slap!

_Miroku_: (still grinning stupidly) You cannot avoid it, my Sango..'Tis foreordained.

_Sango_: By what?

_Miroku_: The script.

_Sango_: (to Patrick) You better run fast. HIRAIKOTSU! (her giant boomerang flies on stage)

_Patrick_: (Aside) Not again. (to Sango) You're not really going to hit me, are you?

_Sango_: Watch me. (starts chasing me around)

_Patrick_: (sweatdrop, Aside) Seems to be happening a lot to me, lately.

_Sango backs me into a corner and bangs me over the head._

_Patrick_: Ow, ow, ow, OW!

_Kirara_: Meow.

_Kouga_: Why do I have to play the idiot who's bethrothed to this old hag? And why did you give my woman to that dog-turd? I would be a much better Demetrius!

_Patrick_: (recovering slowly from Sango's blows) Well, you see...there's this thing called quotas. And if people don't like what they read, they go down.

_Kouga_: ...

_Patrick_: And people just like seeing Kagome and Inu-Yasha together.

_Inu_-_Yasha smirks triumphantly, while Kouga looks pissed._

_Kikyo_: That pathethic demon is supposed to play my FATHER? Are you trying to insult me, or something? I preferred my role in Hamlet.

_Kagura_: At least you're not stuck playing the pixie. AND you get a shot at Inu-Yasha.

_Kikyo_: Hmm...right.

_Souta_: I'm in a play! I'm playing with Inu-Yasha!

_Shippo_: Cool, isn't it?

_Myoga_: Oh dear. I wonder where this will be going...

_Hojo_: Kagome...does that mean we're not...

_Kagome_: Oh, Hojo...

_Inu_-_Yasha: Hey, hey, hey! (growls at Hojo)_

_Hojo_: Uh, never mind...

_Patrick_: Folks, calm down! We don't want a fight like last time, when we had to replace the entire stage. (A/N: Reference to the fight in the prologue of INULET, hehehe)

_Meanwhile, Kikyo and Sesshou are facing off, her with her bow and purifying arrow, he with the Toukujin drawn._

_Patrick_: NO! DON'T! (runs between them)

_Sesshou_: We'll settle this after this casting, bitch!

_Kikyo_: Count on it, dog-turd!

_Patrick_: (sigh)...


	2. A Midsummernight's Nightmare Act One

Disclaimer: As always, Inu-Yasha belongs to Rumiko Takahashi. I own nothin'!

ACT ONE

  
  
Scene I-- Fountainhead. The palace of Kougaseus

  
  
_Enter KOUGASEUS, KAEDELYTA, JAKENSTRATE, and Attendants.  
_  
_Kouga_: Tell me again why we have to wait four more days to get married? I'm a demon! I have to get my offspring!  
  
_Kaede_: It's a human thing.   
  
_Kouga_: Crud. Well, it'd better be one heck of a wedding, that's all I can say. Jaken, run and get some decorations.  
  
_Jaken_: Yes, m'lord.  
  
_Kaede_: You're not really letting that toad make decorating decisions, are you?  
  
_Kouga_: Good point. Jaken, if I see so much as one disco ball or lava lamp...  
  
_Jaken_: I never get to have any fun...  
  
_Exits. Enter SESSHOUGEUS, INU-YASHIUS, KAGOMEDER, and KIKYOLENA.  
_  
_Sesshou_: Hey, renowned Duke, settle an argument for us, huh?  
  
_Kouga_: This isn't about which one of us gets to kill that dog-turd again, is it? Because honestly, I...  
  
_Sesshou_: No, no. It's like this-- my stupid brother wants to marry that wench Kagome, but I think Kikyo - stand forth, Kikyo - I think Kikyo here is a much better choice. After all, She IS a full miko and all...  
  
_Kouga_: Isn't she, like, dead? I thought she drowned?  
  
_Sesshou_: I thought we covered this in the Hamlet parody? Maybe not. Well, she's kinda alive again.  
  
_Kouga_: Okey-dokey.  
  
_Sesshou_: I beg the ancient privilege of Athens...  
  
_Kouga_: You want to invent geometry and start pointless wars with neighboring city-states?  
  
_Sesshou_: The other privilege. You know, the one that says it's my way or the highway, and if Inu-Yasha wants Kagome instead of Kikyo, I get to kill him.  
  
_Kouga_: Hmm... why does he have to pick one?  
  
_Sesshou_: It's a human thing.  
  
_Kouga_: Well... this is a toughie. What say you, dog-turd? Remember, your brother is a youkai. Purity of blood, power and all that. He's always right, even if he is an insufferable snot. (low voice) Besides, this Kikyo chick is pretty hot...   
  
_Inu_-_Yasha: So is Kagome. In fact, we are married in real life. Or we are at least close to it.  
  
_Kouga_: Yeah, but c'mon... Kikyo? Let's be real here, for a second...Wait a moment, what am I saying? KAGOME is my woman!_

_Patrick_ (From Off): Yeah, but that's the plot!  
  
_Inu_-_Yasha: Well, personally I think she overdoes it a little with her "come with me to Hell" routine. So go on... what's the worst you can do to me?  
  
_Kouga_: According to local regulations, I can either have you summarily executed or make you live as a monk.  
  
_Kagome_: The world can't stand another Miroku._

  
_Kouga_: Well, the conservatives kept saying I was soft on crime... Look, Inu-Yasha, I really hate to do this (looks at Sesshou), especially as your best friend and all... (to Inu-Yasha) Why don't you sleep on it?  
  
_Kikyo_: Um, guys... you know, killing Inu-Yasha might be a little much. Can't we let him off with a stern warning, or something?  
  
_Kagome_: Well then, since you have the father's love, why don't you leave Inu-Yasha and me alone and go marry him?  
  
_Sesshou_: For the record, I'd have no problem with that.  
  
_Kikyo_: Nice try, slick.  
  
_Kagome_: Either that, or you could marry that evil bastard, who tries to kill Inu-Yasha.  
  
_Kikyo_: Naraku? Eww, gross!  
  
_Kagome_: Good thing we're done with the Hamlet thing. I'm not his mother anymore.  
  
_Kikyo_: Yeah, but that was more of a "general purposes" gross...  
  
_Kouga_: Look, people: I can't get married for four more days, I have a youkai tribe to worry about, and I just turned over the decorating to a toad. Frankly, I don't care what you do, but law is law. Inu-Yasha, look to arm yourself to fit your fancies to your father's will. But even if you don't, for heaven's sake, all of you stop whining! Or just come to me! Capice?  
  
_Kagome sticks her tongue out at Sesshoumaru, and he makes a face back at her.  
_  
_Exit all but Inu-Yasha and Kagome.  
_  
_Inu_-_Yasha: This is such a total bummer. And to think that creep, Kouga, practically introduced us...  
  
_Kagome_: Well, the course of true love never did run smooth.  
  
_Inu_-__Yasha: Oh, that's original.  
  
_Kagome_: So, anyway, here's what I'm thinking: Why don't you come visit me for a couple of weeks? In my time Sesshoumaru will never find us._

_Inu_-_Yasha: And have your grandfather try to kill me with his lousy ofudas?  
  
_Kagome_: Well, it beats you becoming a monk, I guess. I mean, millions of your fans would be crushed... Tomorrow truly will I meet with thee.  
  
_Kikyo_ (From Off): Aw, isn't that sweet?  
  
_Enter KIKYOLENA._  
  
_Kikyo_: Meanwhile, I spend hours... hours... being with him, trying to get him to become human, and what do I get for my trouble? 'Oh, uh... gee, thanks, but Kagome's so much nicer.' Thanks a lot, Patrick. (glares off-stage)  
  
_Inu_-__Yasha: Well, it hasn't exactly been fun and games for me! I'm this close to being a monk!  
  
_Kikyo_: Nah, the ratings guys'd never go for that.  
  
_Kagome_: Isn't there something you can do? I mean, you ARE the all powerful miko, aren't you? Why don't you go and do something?_

_Enter NARAKIUS._  
  
_Naraku_: Hey, Kikyo's got a mind of her own. Believe me, kids, I'd love to help, but she hates me! (to Inu-Yasha) Is it just the spider form? Or the baboon pelt? C'mon, you gotta teach me how you do it!  
  
_Inu_-_Yasha: But I don't know what I've done! The more I hate, the more she follows me around!  
  
_Kagome_: Maybe it's all that time watching you shower.  
  
_Inu_-__Yasha: You promised you'd never throw that in my face.  
  
_Kagome_: At any rate, Kikyo, you won't have to worry about us much longer. Tomorrow night, we're hitting the woods. We're going to blow this hellish time - preferably for someplace where it's permissible to wear loose, casual clothing once in a while. And where we won't have to put up with youkai.  
  
_Inu_-__Yasha: Good luck with Kikyo, though.  
  
_Exit Kagome and Inu-Yasha._  
  
_Naraku_: Man, love stinks! What's he got that I haven't got? Through Fountainhead I'm thought as fair as he... in dim lighting, I mean. Sitting down, so you can't see the muscles. And if you kinda squint... oh, who am I kidding? As far as Kikyo's concerned, he's a God and I'm just a shrimp.  
  
'Course, I could tell her about this little Shikon no Tama thing. That might win some points. No, can't do it, it'd be wrong. Sort of wrong, I mean... maybe a little... but, then, Inu-Yasha probably shouldn't be so trusting. Sure, y'know, trusting me is one thing, but what if he starts trusting other hanyou, then where will the world be? It'd be for his own good, really... I think I owe it to him, as a friend. And if Kikyo happens to be a little grateful, well... heh.  
  
Look out, world, Naraku is back! Just call me "The Baboon", baby...  
  
_Exits_._

  
  
Scene II-- Fountainhead. Shippo's house

  
  
_Enter SHIPPO, KIRARA, KANNA, SOUTA, MYOGA, and HOJO BOTTOM. _

  
_Shippo_: Let's see... Two demons, two humans, and a flea? Are we all here?  
  
_Hojo_: How did I get lumped in with the minor characters? That's all I'd like to know.  
  
_Shippo_: Cool it, Jack. We've got a lot of work to do. Now... Here is a scroll of every man, woman, or demon which is thought fit, throughout all Fountainhead, to be in our scuzzy little play.  
  
_Hojo_: First tell us what the play is about, and then...  
  
_Shippo_: Do you mind? Now, we're putting on Our Town this year, so...  
  
_Kirara whispers in Shippo's ear._  
  
_Shippo_: Pyramus and Thisby? Who the hell ever heard of Pyramus and Thisby?  
  
_Kirara produces a copy of the script, and shows it to Shippo. Shippo mumbles as she reads, and then...  
_  
_Shippo_: Yeah, well, I don't care. I want to do something classy. What about something by that human, you know, Shakespeare?  
  
_Kirara whispers to Shippo again.  
_  
_Shippo_: Oh. How about Cats, then?  
  
_Kirara shakes her head.  
_  
_Shippo_: Gilbert and Sullivan?  
  
_Kirara shakes her head.  
_  
_Shippo_: Oh, all right, Pyramus and Thisby.  
  
_Souta_: Maybe we should call them Yashimus and Kagoby, so people will know they're still in an Inu-Yasha fanfic.  
  
_Hojo_: That's good. I like that.  
  
_Shippo_: (sighs) Actors... Okay, everybody, I'm going to call attendance. Hojo Bottom?  
  
_Hojo_: Yo.  
  
_Shippo_: Whatever. You're playing this dweeb, Pyramus.  
  
_Hojo_: Ah, that will ask some tears in the performing of it. If I do it, let the audience look to their eyes. I will move storms, I will...I will conquer my Kagome!

_Patrick, Kouga and Inu-Yasha_ (From Off): Don't you start, too!  
  
_Shippo_: Just memorize those lines by Thursday.  
  
_Hojo_: I can do that.  
  
_Shippo_: Myoga Flute, the bellows-mender?  
  
_Myoga_: Here. I've been meaning to ask... what precisely is a 'bellows-mender?'  
  
_Shippo_: Someone who mends bellows. You get to play Thisby.  
  
_Myoga_: Oh, heck, no. I'm a demon flea, not an actor. I'll rig the special effects.  
  
_Shippo_: Okay. Um... Souta Snout, the tinker? You can play Thisby.  
  
_Souta_: Can do. What am I, a rugged demon lord?  
  
_Kirara_: Actually, you're Hojo's character's love interest.  
  
_Hojo_: Excuse me?  
  
_Souta_: Wha-What?  
  
_Hojo_: Oh my god. I just hope Kagome's not gonna be there to watch this...  
  
_Shippo_: Let's see... Kanna Starveling? You and I will play Thisby's parents.  
  
_Kanna_: Do I get to kill anybody?  
  
_Shippo_: No.  
  
_Kanna_: Then who cares?  
  
_Exit Kanna, who goes off behind the building to steal a couple of souls.  
_  
_Hojo_: You know, Shippo, great as this casting is, I'd rather play Thisby myself. (to Souta) No offense.  
  
_Souta_: None taken.  
  
_Hojo_: Why not let me do it? I'll speak in a monstrous little voice. I'll even wear a mask for Thisby's part! Anything's better than this... (to Souta) No offense.  
  
_Souta_: That time there was a little taken.  
  
_Shippo_: You know, I liked you better when you were a little annoying side character. At least then you weren't such a pain in the thorax.  
  
_Hojo_: I know, but they're making me lay off the romance in this play. I'm facing a lawsuit from Frank Oz.  
  
_Shippo_: And, um... oh, my sister Kirara. You're playing a lion.  
  
_Myoga_: (laughs) An ant-lion, maybe. (glances as Kirara transforms into her fighting form) (gulps audibly)  
  
_Kirara_: I don't have a lot of lines, do I? I get stage fright.  
  
_Shippo_: All you have to do is roar.  
  
_Kirara spends several moments trying to roar.  
_  
_Hojo_: Huh? You call that a roar?  
  
_Kirara_: Hey, you think you can do better?  
  
_Hojo_: You bet I could. I'm not such a bad lion myself. I will roar, that I will do any man's heart good to hear me...

_Kirara_: (transforms into her large form and a roar thunders across the stage, shaking the ground) Hah!  
  
_Shippo_: Look, pal, you are on my very last nerve, all right? Who do you think is directing this picture?  
  
_Hojo_: I could do that, too. I've always wanted to direct.  
  
_Shippo_: (Aside) I think we all saw that one coming. (to Hojo) Just put a cork in it and play Pyramus, will ya?   
  
_Hojo_: But I have experience playing big, scary creatures! (Everyone stares at him)

_Shippo_: Uh...did you have a secret life or something?

 _Hojo_: Not exactly...but then, I could do so well! Let Kagome-chan's brother play Pyramus, so that he's out of the way... (to Souta) No offense.  
  
_Souta_: You're pushing it, dude.  
  
_Shippo_: That's it; lunch, people. We'll meet in the woods tomorrow night to rehearse it. In the meantime, if any of you want to sign with a rival production company or something, don't let me stop you.  
  
_Hojo_: We will meet, and there we may rehearse most obscenely and courageously!  
  
_Kirara_: You know, I thought it was the whole Yoda-envy thing talking, but it turns out he just likes to hear his own voice...  
  
_They Exit._  
  
*****


	3. A Midsummernight's Nightmare Act Two

ACT TWO  
  
Scene I-- A wood near Athens

  
  
_Enter, from opposite sides, KOHAKU and KAGURA.  
_  
_Kagura_: Aw... a cute little fairy!  
  
_Kohaku_: What'd you call me? (Aside) I can't believe I let Sango talk me into this. When I get my hands on her...  
  
_Kagura_: Excuse me, Mister Spirit Person? Wither winder... um, winter wonder... I mean, um, where ya goin'?  
  
_Kohaku_: Pretty much everywhere. I am totally dead on my wings-- I must have covered two sectors today. It's my sister Sango's idea of a joke.  
  
_Kagura_: You work for the Queen? Goodie! I work for the King! Wouldn't it be fun to get those two back together?!  
  
_Kohaku_: I can see you haven't been at this long. Rule Number One: Never get involved in domestic squabbles between malignant supernatural entities. Especially not your boss. That Mirokuberon guy is just scary.  
  
_Kagura_: Oh, pooh. He's a big teddy bear. He's just angry because the Queen won't give up that changeling child of hers.  
  
_Kohaku_: Hey, watch it! We're already working off that Yoda thing. You want to get us in trouble with the Deep Space Nine people, too?   
  
_Kagura_: Not that kind of Changeling, silly!  
  
_Kohaku_: Well, that's what they claim. Personally, I think this entire subplot could stand to be clarified a bit...  
  
Kagura: Anyway, now they never meet in grove or green, by fountain clear or spangled starlight sheen...  
  
_Kohaku_: (Aside) If the next line is about the ramparts' last gleaming, I'm out of here... (to Kagura) Say, aren't you that weird pixie with a fan I keep hearing about? The one the Young Male demographic goes crazy for? The ditz who can't tell her head from her fan, but apparently controls the force of the wind? Are not you she?  
  
_Kagura_: Yup. And I'm cute, too.  
  
_Kohaku_: All I know is, you'd better get out of here before...  
  
_Enter from one side, MIROKUBERON, with his attending giggling pixies; from the other, SANGOTANIA, with hers.  
_  
_Kohaku_: Uh-oh. This could get ugly.  
  
_Miroku_: Ill met by moonlight, proud Sango.  
  
_Sango_: Aw, not you again! I told you, I don't care if you can cook...  
  
_Miroku_: It so happens that I'm not here for you at all. I just wanted to give Kaede one more chance to see what she's missing...  
  
_Sango_: Right. You don't want the Changeling?  
  
_Miroku_: Oh, come now. Why would I want some pathetic Changeling? (Eagerly) Why? Is he here?  
  
_Sango_: Come on, Miroku, you'll have to do better than that. I can see right through you.  
  
_Miroku_: Maybe. But maybe I want you to think I want the Changeling, when I really want something else.  
  
_Sango_: Or maybe you want me to think you want something else, thinking you want the Changeling, but you're really after the first one all along.  
  
_Miroku_: Huh?  
  
_Sango_: I don't know; the whole strategy thing gives me a headache. But you can't have the kid.  
  
_Miroku_: One of these days, Sango... one of these days... pow! We're going to end up together! You just watch me!  
  
_Sango_: Ahhh, shaddup. You and what army? (to her pixies) Fairies, away!  
  
_Kohaku_: Am I the only one who prefers the term 'spirit folk?'  
  
_Sango_: Wimp.  
  
_Exit Sango, Kohaku, and her pixies.  
_  
_Kagura_: Oh, don't mind Sango, she's like that. We'll just have to... Miroku? Miroku!  
  
_Miroku is having an argument with someone offstage.  
_  
_Miroku_: No! Absolutely not! I listened to your stage directions in the Hamlet play, and look where that got me! (Listens) Well, death is one thing, but purposely causing my woman to choose another male? It's insanity, I tell you! I'd never live it down with the other guys! (clamps a hand over his mouth) I'm starting to sound like Kouga.  
  
_Kagura taps him on the shoulder.  
_  
_Kagura_: Um... Miroku? Hi.  
  
_Miroku_: (to Off) Well, then you tell the author that I'm about ready to lodge my staff down his...  
  
_Kagura_: Hee-HAW!  
  
_Kagura launches herself in a flying kick at Miroku, and bounces off his chest. Miroku reacts as though he's been stung by a gnat.  
_  
_Miroku_: Thanks. I needed that.  
  
_Kagura_: Don't mention it. Anything else I can do?  
  
_Miroku_: Yes, I suppose so. (to the Author) You are so going to suffer for this. (to Kagura) Run and find me a love potion. We'll make Sango fall for something really disgusting before this night is done.  
  
_Kagura_: But...er... what good will that do?  
  
_Miroku_: It ought to be good for a laugh, if nothing else.  
  
_Kagura_: All righty, then. I'll be back in a jiffy. Time me!  
  
_Exits, at a run.  
  
Miroku_: (Aside, to the Author) For your sake, I hope this stunt gets me my Changeling, because my backup plan involves your dead body sucked into my Kazaana. (looks offstage) Oh, look. More mortals. My night just gets better and better...  
  
_Becomes invisible. Enter KIKYO, NARAKU  following her.  
_  
_Kikyo_: I love thee not, therefore pursue me not!  
  
_Naraku_: Aw, Kikyo... babe... you don't mean that!  
  
_Kikyo_: Don't make me get a restraining order, you little creep. And where the heck is Inu-Yasha, anyway? You said he'd be here!  
  
_Naraku_: I dunno; maybe he missed his bus. Meanwhile... you, me, under the stars...  
  
_Kikyo_: Ewww! Look, Naraku, do I entice you? Do I speak you fair? Am I even civil to you? Get a life!  
  
_Naraku_: But I'm drawn to you, and my heart is true as steel! As is yours. We're a perfect match, I tell ya.  
  
_Kikyo_: (Aside) I knew it. He didn't wear gloves when he spawned me. I just knew it. Now I feel all dirty...  
  
_Naraku_: C'mon, Kikyo, you don't have to like me - just let me tag along. I'll be like your spaniel, ya know? (Aside, to the Author) Oh, for crying out loud, leave me a little dignity, will ya? (to Kikyo) It's like this, babe: I was going for 'boyfriend,' but I'll settle for 'dog.' Are you happy now? (to Author) You're so going to pay for this!  
  
_Kikyo_: A dog? You're nothing compared to...

_Naraku_: Oh, for cryin' out loud! Don't start with Inu-Yasha again.

_Kikyo_: Still. You can't be a dog. No chance.  
  
_Naraku_: Hey, I could be a dog! Oh, all right, one of those little rat dogs, maybe... or a nice terrier?   
  
_Kikyo_: Nope, still thinking 'pervert'. Now back off! I've got to find Inu-Yasha.  
  
_Naraku_: (under his breath) Ice princess...  
  
_Kikyo_: What'd you say?  
  
_Naraku_: I said, um, look, it is not night when I see your face, nor doth this wood lack words of company, for you in my respect are all the world.  
  
_Kikyo_: Y'know, that's really kind of sweet, even coming from an icky little nerd...  
  
_Naraku_: See what you're missing out on? You can run, but ya can't hide, babe.  
  
_Kikyo_: If I weren't sure I could kick your ass, this would be a major Fatal Attraction moment. Just get over it, huh? Now, where's that Inu-Yasha...?  
  
_Exits._  
  
_Naraku_: This is, like, way too much trouble. I should just spawn another one. Kikyo 2.0! With enhanced sympathy and radical new features, like... hmm... actually, I better work those out in my head, or we'll never get under the PG-13 rating...(cackles maniacally)  
  
_Exits. Re-enter KAGURA. Miroku becomes visible.  
_  
_Miroku_: It's about time. I thought I was trapped in an episode of The Young and the Restless. Do you have the love potion?  
  
_Kagura_: Yuppers. See, it's the dew from this pretty flower...  
  
_Miroku_: All right. Here's what we'll do: Give me half, and you take half. I'll worry about Sango. You seek through this grove; a little nice looking demon is in love with a pretty young lady. At least, he looks nice when he's in human form. Anoint her eyes, so that the next thing she spies will be that moron. She'll fall in love with him, and I won't have to listen to them bitch and moan anymore.  
  
_Kagura_: Will this stuff work on a priestess?  
  
_Miroku_: It probably shouldn't, but there's no use holding up the plot on a technicality.  
  
_Kagura_: Gotcha. This is really nice of you, Miroku; I knew you were a sweetie.  
  
_Miroku_: (Deadpan) Romance is my life.

_Kagura_: Now, get your hand OFF my ASS! PERVERT! (she whacks him with her fan)

_Miroku_: Ow! Ow! OW!  
  
_They Exit.  
_  
  
  


Scene II-- Another part of the wood

  
  
_Enter SANGO, KOHAKU, and her train of pixies._  
  
_Sango_: All right, guys, that's far enough. Let's have some fairy song.  
  
_All Pixies_: (Singing) Iiiit's a small world aaaafter all...  
  
_Sango draws her Hiraikotsu.  
_  
_Sango_: What have I told you guys about that?  
  
_First_ _Pixie: Umm... pixie wings taste like chicken?  
  
_Sango_: Bingo. Don't you know any, like, early Stones? Something with a beat?  
  
_All pixies look at each other and shrug._  
  
_Sango_: Well, then, just get out of here while I take my nap. I've got such a headache...  
  
_Exit Kohaku and Pixies. Sango sleeps. Enter MIROKU._  
  
_Miroku_: Seems you get those a lot. We'll fix that...  
  
_He squeezes the love potion on Sango's eyelids.  
_  
_Miroku_: This may sound petty, but as long as I have to do this, I hope you fall for something really repulsive. (Listens offstage again) Oh, was it supposed to rhyme?  
  
_Miroku stands to his full height and extends his hand –the one with the curse .  
_  
_Miroku_: Listen to me very carefully: I... don't... rhyme. (Listens) Thank you.  
  
_Exits_. __Enter Kagome and Inu-Yasha. Inu-Yasha is human, with long black hair. Looks somewhat like Naraku, but not.  
  
_Inu-Yasha_: I'm telling you, this is a good disguise! Who'd think Inu-Yasha would elope dressed like this?  
  
_Kagome_: Just promise you'll consult me about fashion choices from now on. Say... where are we, anyway?   
  
_Inu-Yasha_: I think we take a right at an elm tree... one of these elm trees...  
  
_Kagome_: You are such a typical man! I told you to stop for directions!  
  
_Inu-Yasha_: Feh! I don't need directions! I know exactly where we are... (looks around) Boy, is it dark... what do you say we try this in the morning?  
  
_Kagome_: Next time, I get to hold the map, Marco Polo.  
  
_She lies down upon a bank.  
_  
_Inu-Yasha_: You know... as long as we're out here... all alone... in the cold... and we never did get to have any fun in any episode...  
  
_Kagome_: Oh, get real. You're starting to sound like Miroku. (Aside) He must be rubbing off on everyone else in here...(shudders)  
  
_Goes to sleep.  
  
Inu-Yasha_: It was worth a shot.  
  
_Shrugs and goes to sleep. Enter KAGURA.  
_  
_Kagura_: Well, darn. Here I am, an instrument of Buddha, and I can't even find two people in this little forest. It's damn annoying...  
  
_Sees Kagome and Kagome.  
_  
_Kagura_: Wait a second. There's two people there... ooh, and the man looks human! Hooray! But... Miroku said he'd be a demon. That guy's pretty normal. (Shrugs it off) Well, I guess everybody looks demonic to Miroku...The guy's getting paranoid...  
  
_She squeezes the love potion on Kagome's eyes.  
_  
_Kagura_: Gee, this guy you don't like is seriously cute. You must be a real witch. But they don't call me the Mistress of Love for nothing... when you wake up, everything will be all better. (Looks around, sighs) I just love a happy ending.  
  
_Exits. Enter KIKYO and NARAKU.  
_  
_Naraku_: All right... one date, and I'll pay for the whole thing! C'mon, I'm begging you, here...  
  
_Kikyo_: Naraku, the next words out of your mouth are going to bring an a purifying arrow down on you. I don't think either of us wants to be responsible for that.  
  
_Naraku_: Fine. Just leave me here, then... all alone... no friends, nobody to talk to...  
  
_Kikyo_: Works for me. Don't wait up. (Aside) Hell, he's so annyoing, I don't want to even THINK about having to spend eternity in Hell with him...  
  
_Exits. He starts pacing back and forth.  
_  
_Naraku_: I don't get it. It must be me. Nah. It can't be me... I mean... for obvious reasons. I must have done something wrong. Maybe wrong incantation during the spell or something. I knew I should've bought that Delila your Demon Duchess kit, but no, I had to wing it...  
  
_He almost trips over Kagome, who wakes.  
_  
_Naraku_: Whoa! Check it out - Kagome? What the heck are you doing asleep in the woods? You okay?  
  
_Kagome_: Yes, I'm fine, I... (looks at Naraku) Well, hi, sailor.  
  
_Naraku_: (Aside) You ever get the feeling you're missing something, and you don't know what?  
  
_Kagome_: Naraku, has anybody ever told you that demonically eerie look gives you kind of a demonic sex appeal?  
  
_Kikyo_: Yes! Thank you! Finally, a woman who can perceive the obvious! Too bad you're Inu-Yasha's lady...  
  
_Kagome sidles up very close to Naraku.  
_  
_Kagome_: Inu-Yasha who?  
  
_Naraku_: (Aside) Warning! Warning! Danger, Will Robinson! (to Kagome) Gee, Kagome, I don't know what to say... I mean, on the one hand, you're a total babe. On the other hand, I try never to get between an angry demon and his girlfriend. Bad things happen that way.  
  
_Kagome_: Oh, he's just a half-demon. Anyway, you're more... um, more...  
  
_Naraku_: What?  
  
_Kagome_: Give me a minute! I'm sure I'll come up with some area where you're better than him!  
  
_Naraku_: Oh, I get it. Very funny. Let's all have a big laugh at the sorry little bad guy of the entire series. Well, thanks but no thanks, sister. I'll have you know I'm plenty pathetic without your help. (Aside) That didn't come out right. (to Kagome) See ya.  
  
_Exits_.  
  
_Kagome_: Sarcastic! You're much more sarcastic! I like that in a man...  
  
_Exits, running after him. Inu-Yasha wakes.  
_  
_Inu-Yasha_: Kagome? Kagome? (Aside) Why do I have this feeling something terrible has happened?  
  
_Exits, looking for Kagome.   
_  
*****_


	4. A Midsummernight's Nightmare Act Three

ACT THREE

  
  
Scene I-- The wood. SANGO lying asleep.

  
  
_Enter SHIPPO, KIRARA, HOJO, KANNA, MYOGA, and SOUTA.  
_  
_Hojo_: This looks like a good place.  
  
_Kanna_: It better be. This outfit is not exactly made for hiking. I don't know how that Xena chick does it...  
  
_Shippo_: (Aside) I hate location shooting. (to the others) Places, people! Quiet on the set!  
  
_Hojo_: Now, Shippo, I've been thinking...  
  
_Shippo_: Help.  
  
_Hojo_: This play is just too bloody. We shouldn't contribute to the media desensitization of violence. What we want is an educational play, to nurture young minds and encourage wholesome family values.  
  
_Shippo_: This is show business. We don't do that sort of thing here.  
  
_Hojo_: I'm just saying, we should make sure the lion doesn't scare them-- especially the ladies...  
  
_Kanna_: Say what?  
  
_She spits and curses.  
_  
_Shippo_: How about this? Kirara, don't scare anybody.  
  
_Kirara_: Check.  
  
_Shippo_: Okay... moving on... we only need two other props, moonlight and a wall. I'm going for that artsy, Blair Witch Project feel.  
  
_Myoga_: I've got it covered.  
  
_He touches a remote control, and a holographic wall pops into view, lit by spotlights from a dozen buzzing, fireflies.  
_  
_All_: Oooh... ahhh...  
  
_Myoga_: If you think that's impressive, you ought to see me build a battery from scratch. (Aside) Hehehe. All those books from Kagome-sama's time DO pay off...  
  
_Shippo_: I've got a very good feeling about this project. I think we're doing something very special here, a story that touches me personally... I know I feel that way, and I'd like to thank all the people who helped me along the way to...  
  
_Souta_: Mr. DeMille? I'm ready for my close-up.  
  
_Shippo_: Right. Places, people! Let's get this thing off the ground! And... action!  
  
_As they rehearse, enter KAGURA, invisible.  
_  
_Kagura_: Oh, how cute - a play! Wow... they're really bad...  
  
_Shippo_: All right, Hojo, now you exit! No, that way! Look for your mark! And remember your motivation!  
  
_Hojo_: I'm trying to woo a baka. Trust me, there's not much motivation...(muttering) Maybe if I imagine it was Kagome-chan...  
  
_Exits.  
_  
_Kagura_: (giggles) Oh, I know what would be funny... a surprise plot twist!  
  
_Exits, after Hojo.  
_  
_Shippo_: Line! Line, Souta!  
  
_Souta_: Oh. Er... Urgk.  
  
_Kirara_: Urgk? What was that?  
  
_Souta_: I choked.  
  
_Shippo_: And to think, I'm holding a percentage of this turkey... Hojo! Get in here, ya big...  
  
_Enter KAGURA, and HOJO now transfigured into a big, ugly something. Think Naraku's youkai form, just worse._  
  
_Hojo_: "If I were fair, Thisby, I were only thine..."  
  
_Shippo_: Yikes.  
  
_Kanna_: Now that's ugly.  
  
_Kirara_: It's also not in the script.  
  
_Shippo_: (to Myoga and Hojo): Okay, first of all, there'll be no ad-libbing on my set. Secondly, it's a pretty good effect, but it doesn't fit with the theme or motif of this piece. Now, maybe in the next act, we can...  
  
_Myoga_: Um... I didn't do that.  
  
_Shippo_: You didn't?  
  
_Myoga_: Nope.  
  
_Shippo_: Oh. Okay.  
  
_Kirara_: Run.  
  
_Exit Shippo, Kirara, Myoga, Kanna, and Souta. Hojo stands confused.  
  
Hojo_: Oh, come now, the dialog isn't that bad. Where are you all going? (Aside) And why do I have a sudden craving for a very shiny jewel?  
  
_Re-enter SOUTA, running around frantically.  
_  
_Souta_: O Hojo, thou art changed!  
  
_Hojo_: That reminds me, I could also go for a lamb chop right about now...  
  
_Souta squeals and Exits.  
_  
_Kagura_: (Aside) Hee-hee! I think I'm starting to like theater! This is almost as much fun as toying with destiny!  
  
_Hojo_: Now I see where this is going. First it was that ridiculous "snipe hunt," and now this. Well, I'll show them. I will walk up and down here, and I will sing, that they shall hear I am not afraid... (Sings, an ultrasonic bat screech) Hmm... I'm in particularly good voice tonight, if I do say so...  
  
_Sango wakes, and the love potion takes effect.  
_  
_Sango_: What angel wakes me from my flowery bed?  
  
_Hojo_: Angel? Heh, heh... well, no. We all seek to serve Buddha in our own, small ways... but not an angel... though I suppose it's an easy enough mistake to make...  
  
_Sango_: Whatever. Do that bat screech again. That rocked.  
  
_Hojo_: It did?  
  
_Sango_: Oh, absolutely. Almost like a Hendrix thing, or even Eric Clapton... and you know, I'm not really into poison fangs, but on you they work...  
  
_Hojo_: Er... thank you, I think. For my part, I've always found fairies to be quite attractive. By the way, do you know the path out of this wood?  
  
_Sango_: Come on, baby, the night is young! I'll give the fairies to attend on thee... (Aside, to the author) By the way, I'm doing this 'cause Hojo's a nice guy and all, but we will be drawing the line before the whole death thing, right? (listens) Just checking. (To Off) All right, troops, haul it!  
  
_Enter KOHAKU, and three other fairies: THREEPIOBLOSSOM, MORN, and JARJARSEED.  
_  
_Threepio_: How may we serve you, Your Highness?  
  
_Jar-Jar_: Mesa ready, yousa great der pixiequeen!  
  
_Morn opens his mouth to say something, then shakes his head and remains quiet.  
  
Sango_: Be kind and courteous to this gentlemen, guys.   
  
_Kohaku_: You gotta be kidding. Him?  
  
_Sango_: Oh, like your taste in women is so great.  
  
_Kohaku_: At least I never brought home a drunken youkai with a snake on his back.  
  
_Sango_: Shut up!  
  
_Kohaku_: You shut up!  
_  
Jar-Jar breaks up an ensuing slap fight between the siblings. Morn opens his mouth to offer sage commentary upon the situation, but then shrugs.  
  
Hojo_: Er... maybe I should go...  
  
_Sango_: Freeze, pal! You don't get away that easily. I haven't had a date in ages. (to fairies) Lead him to my bower.  
  
_They lead Hojo away, muttering...  
_  
_Threepio_: I'm certain this is quite irregular. Play a pixie, indeed... and not even in the proper galaxy!  
  
_They Exit.  
  
_

  
  
Scene II-- Another part of the wood

  
  
_Enter MIROKU and KAGURA.  
_  
_Kagura_: So there was this play, right? Like, for the Duke's wedding? And a bunch of humans and a firecat demon, and a kitsune? And their play was, like, really bad? So I turned one of them into a really ugly youkai? He looks cute, all fuzzy like that...  
  
_Miroku_: Kagura, what have I told you about finding beauty in things that want to kill and eat you?  
  
_Kagura_: Yeah, but then, like, Sango woke up? And I didn't know what to do? So, like, I just let it happen? So then she fell in love with the youkai, but I'm really, really sorry...  
  
_Miroku_: A youkai? That potion made her choose a youkai over me?  
  
_Kagura_: Um... pretty much. Are you mad?  
  
_Miroku_: Powerful stuff. We ought to market it. What about those mortals?  
  
_Kagura_: Don't worry, Miroku. I did that really good. I found him just like you said, so I...  
  
_Enter INU-YASHA and KIKYO.  
_  
_Miroku_: There's one of them now.  
  
_Kagura_: Yup, there's the guy, but the girl is different.  
  
_Miroku stares at Kagura for a long moment.  
_  
_Kagura_: What?  
  
_Inu-Yasha_: (talking to Kikyo) I'm just saying, it's so against regulations to kill your friend's fiancee!  
  
_Kikyo_: What do I look like, Jack the Ripper? I didn't kill anybody.  
  
_Inu-Yasha_: Oh, so if I checked you out, I wouldn't find a single arrow missing? Not a single bloodstain?  
  
_Kikyo_: You can check me anytime you want, baby.  
  
_Inu-Yasha_: That was not foreplay! If you didn't kill Kagome, where is she? She wouldn't just leave me!  
  
_Kikyo_: Have you checked ancient Greece? She reminds me a little of the back end of a Centaur...  
  
_Inu-Yasha_: If you're going to get all catty, I'll just have to find her myself.  
  
_Exits.  
_  
_Kikyo_: Hey, Inu-Yasha! Inu-Yasha, wait! (sighs) It's not easy being me. Oh, sure, everybody thinks it would be cool to be apowerful priestess who cheated death and can kill demons with a mere thought, but nobody ever thinks the priestess might have feelings... feeellllinnng... Uh-oh, I think all this stress has worn down... my... powerrrrr...Neeeed...mooooreeee...sooooouls...  
  
_She drops to the ground, exhausted. Miroku looks at Kagura again.  
_  
_Kagura_: Oopsie.  
  
_Miroku_: Why do I put up with you? I should just hire Wile E. Coyote to implement my plans - he couldn't do any worse, and at least he's quiet!  
  
_Kagura_: Maybe I can fix this...  
  
_Miroku_: You'd better. Go find the hanyou and bring him here. (Aside) Lord, what fools these pixies be.  
  
_Kagura_: Actually, that's my line.  
  
_Miroku gives her a look.  
_  
_Kagura_: I'll just go get Kikyo...  
  
_Exits.  
_  
_Miroku_: I can't believe I actually let her hold the map. We're lucky she finds her way back from the restroom... (Aside, to the Author) Still, I must admit, it's very amusing to watch your carefully constructed plot fall apart. I might try being benevolent more often...  
  
_He uses the love potion on Kikyo. Re-enter KAGURA, hesitantly.  
_  
_Kagura_: Are you still mad?  
  
_Miroku_: Do you have them with you?  
  
_Kagura_: Well, yes, but... I mean, if I bring them in now, then Kagome and Kikyo will both be in love with Naraku. They might even fight or something.  
  
_Miroku_: Is there a downside to this?  
  
_Kagura_: Remind me to talk to you houshis about the concept of feminism...  
  
_Enter KAGOME and NARAKU.  
_  
_Naraku_: Did Sango put you up to this? It's about that time I left her with that guy in the woods, isn't it? I apologized for that!  
  
_Kagome_: No, no. I honestly prefer you to Inu-Yasha. Why don't you believe me?  
  
_Naraku_: Um... hello?   
  
_Kagome_: Okay, besides the obvious reasons, I mean.  
  
_Kagura, meanwhile, calls up those snake-like demon thingies that eat souls, and feeds them. Kikyo wakes.  
_  
_Kikyo_: Naraku, are you, like, using a new cologne or something?  
  
_Naraku_: Huh?  
  
_Kikyo_: I don't know, maybe it's the lighting, or that barbecue sauce stain on your shirt, or a really nefarious curse, but suddenly I'm so... drawn to you...  
  
_Naraku_: Oh, this is too much! I mean, one of you trying this gag would be enough, but two women... I mean, what am I gonna do with two... beautiful... women? (Aside, to the Author, small voice) Thank you.  
  
_Kagome_: Stand back, sister. You want Inu-Yasha? You got him. Naraku's mine.  
  
_Kikyo_: I wonder what my Shinimadachuu would say about that...?  
  
_Kagome_: Do you think they'd even see me past your overly inflated ego?  
  
_Kikyo_: Oh, it's on, now...  
  
_Naraku_: Ladies, Ladies... there's plenty of Naraku to go around!  
  
_Kagome_: No way! You're all mine!  
  
_Kikyo_: He's mine!  
  
_Naraku_: Oh, this story rules!  
  
_While Kikyo and Kagome go at it, Kagura and Miroku are still looking on...  
_  
_Kagura_: Okay, so it's all my fault...  
  
_Miroku_: Are you kidding? This is better than Jerry Springer.  
  
_Enter INU-YASHA.  
_  
_Inu-Yasha_: Kagome? Finally! I'm so glad you're all right!   
  
_Naraku_: (Aside) Hooray, I'm dead. (to Inu-Yasha) Maybe you better sit down, Boss. The good news is, Kikyo's gonna leave you alone from now on...  
  
_Inu-Yasha_: That's great! Now Kagome and I can get on with our lives.  
  
_Naraku_: Ooh, bad news about that...  
  
_Inu-Yasha_: Kagome, what's going on?  
  
_Kagome_: You look a little familiar. Umm... Dilbert, right? Yeah, I remember now, you're the big guy who's always making speeches about the Shikon no Tama?  
  
_Inu-Yasha_: A little familiar? We're in love! We're almost married in real life!  
  
_Kagome_: Oh. Well, I'm in love with Naraku now. Hasta la vista, Dilbert.  
  
_Inu-Yasha_: (to Naraku) Have you been experimenting with those pheromone potions again?  
  
_Naraku_: Dude, I swear this isn't me! I thought it was a big... joke... Oh. I get it. You're all in on it, right? I'm on candid camera? Where's the camera? I can take a gag, but let's not be insulting... Kagome, you and Inu-Yasha go get married. Kikyo, you can go back to hating my guts. C'mon, I'm warning you, I'm tight with the Queen of Fairies. Don't make me start calling in favors.  
  
_Kagome_: Stay, gentle Naraku; hear my excuse. My love, my life, my soul, dear Naraku!  
  
_Kikyo_: Naraku, why don't I send my Shinidamachuu after these... people... so you and I can finally be alone?  
  
_Inu-Yasha_: You know, I don't think they're joking. I wonder if this could be Ares' work?  
  
_Naraku stands on tiptoe and whispers something to Inu-Yasha._  
  
_Inu-Yasha_: Ares the youkai, I mean. Big guy, bone blades, quotes from 'The Fountainhead' a lot.  
  
_Kagome_: (to Kikyo) Now, for the last time, back off before I do a Jim Kirk on your brain!  
  
_While the argument continues, Inu-Yasha  turns very slowly on Naraku...  
_  
_Inu-Yasha_: Because the only other possibility is that you're a lying little weasel who came by night and stole my love's heart.  
  
_Naraku_: Well, gotta go...  
  
_He starts to run, but Inu-Yasha catches him by the scruff of the neck.  
_  
_Inu-Yasha_: (to Kagome) It's because he's a freaking megalomaniac and I'm kind of a dim-witted hanyou, isn't it? You're into that whole brainiac thing? Well, I may not be genius, but I know thirty-seven techniques to cause pain without killing an opponent!  
  
_Naraku_: Y'know, I think if we could just let bygones be bygones and talk this over, we could come to a mutual understanding...  
  
_Kikyo_: Don't worry, Naraku, I won't let him hurt you.  
  
_Kikyo strings her bow and shoots, forcing Inu-Yasha to duck. Naraku scurries away.  
_  
_Inu-Yasha_: I thought you couldn't aim!   
  
_Kikyo_: Me, too, but it turns out I'm just that good. (to Kagome, who is doting on a stunned Naraku) Now for this little hussy...  
  
_Inu-Yasha starts to get up, to protect Kagome. In the background, MIROKU zaps him with a bolt of fairy power, and he flops back on the ground.  
_  
_Kagura_: What was that for?  
  
_Miroku_: Kicks.  
  
_Naraku_: (groans, Aside) You know, I always wake up just as the beautiful women are starting to fight over me. I never figured the dream turned out like this...  
  
_Kagome sneaks up on Kikyo for a rabbit punch to the solar plexus. Kikyo starts pulling hair, and they Exit, fighting. Inu-Yasha lays there on the ground, panting...  
_  
_Inu-Yasha_: (Aside) And I kind of thought leaving that other show would be the end of me getting my ass kicked on a weekly basis. (to Naraku) I'll get you for this.  
  
_Naraku_: Good luck. I'm small, but I'm quick.  
  
_He runs away.  
_  
_Inu-Yasha_: I don't care what anybody says; I know Ares is in on this.  
  
_Exits, after Naraku.  
_  
_Miroku_: Ares. God of War. I like the sound of that.  
  
_Kagura_: Um... Mister God of War, sir? Maybe we should fix this now?  
  
_Miroku_: Oh, all right. Here's the antidote. Run them around for a while, get them good and tired, then crush this herb into Sarmia's eye, whose liquor hath this virtuous property to take from thence all error with her sight. When next they wake, all this derision shall appear a dream.  
  
_Kagura_: Yippee! I'll do it right now!  
  
_Starts to leave, then stops.  
_  
_Kagura_: All those big words meant 'cure her,' right?  
  
_Miroku_: (sighs) Yes. They meant 'cure her.'  
  
_Kagura_: One question. (Miroku nods) You're not into, like, monogamy, right? (Miroku nods) And Inu-Yasha obviously is hotter, right? (Miroku nods) So, technically, shouldn't you forget about Naraku and make them both fall for Inu-Yasha?  
  
_Miroku_: You're assuming I like these people.  
  
_They Exit._   
  
*****  
  



	5. A Midsummernight's Nightmare Act Four

ACT FOUR

  
  
_Scene I-- The same. KIKYO, KAGOME, KAGOME, and KIKYO lying asleep. KAGURA standing over Kagome with the antidote.  
  
_

  
_Kagura_: Whew! Last one! There's got to be an easier way to run the universe...  
  
_Exits. Enter SANGO and HOJO; KOHAKU, THREEPIO, MORN, JAR-JAR, and other pixies attending.  
  
Threepio_: (Aside) Bring him a honey-bag, indeed. Why I put up with this, I'm quite sure I don't know. It's beyond any stretch of protocol with which I am familiar...  
  
_Jar-Jar_: Mesa tink der Hojo issa maxibig good guy, though. Ye gods, hesa much nicer den dat bombad big Miroku, huh?  
  
_Threepio_: Oh, dear, this is most embarrassing; although I am fluent in over six million forms of communication, I haven't the faintest idea what you just said. Is it an Imperial code?  
  
_Morn begins to share his recent epiphany about the fundamental loneliness of existence, but when the others look at him, he clams up.  
_  
_Sango_ (to Hojo): What, wilt thou hear some music, my sweet love?  
  
_Hojo_: Love to. Do you have anything ultrasonic?  
  
_Sango looks through her disk collection...  
_  
_Sango_: Springsteen, The Doors, Hootie and the Blowfish... Kohaku!  
  
_Kohaku_: Yeah, I know, I left Metallica out of its case again...  
  
_Sango_: I hate that! (to Hojo) Maybe we should skip right to dinner. What will you have?  
  
_Hojo_: Do you have a nice bit of carrion handy?  
  
_Kohaku_: (rolls eyes) Gee, why don't I go check?  
  
_Hojo_: Any nice fresh souls will do. Or simply a piece of fresh meat. And while you get that, I'm going to catch a nap.  
  
_Kohaku_: Isn't there some proverb about letting other people do all the work while you sit back and romance the Fairy Queen?  
  
_Hojo_: Yes. We say: "It's nice work, if you can get it."  
  
_Exit Kohaku, grumbling._  
  
_Sango_: O, how I love thee! How I dote on thee!  
  
_Hojo_: So you do. Personally, I've got the strangest desire to kill something. Isn't that funny?  
  
_Sango suddenly puts several yards distance between them.  
_  
_Hojo_: What did I say?  
  
_Sango_: (Aside, to the author) You said killing. Don't push your luck. (to Hojo) Let's just... um, let's not rush anything, okay? You sleep there. I'll sleep over here.  
  
_Hojo_: Lady Sango, I am a good Buddhist. Honestly, I'm not going to bite...  
  
_Threepio_: Strictly speaking, Your Highness, he doesn't have to bite. According to my database, he's quite capable of spitting fire and throwing energy blades up to a distance of 18.5 meters.  
  
_Hojo_: You stay out of this.  
  
_Sango sidles a little further away.  
_  
_Hojo_: (sighs) Can I at least blow you a kiss?  
  
_Sango_: (covers her face) For the love of God, NO! (Peeks up) I mean, um... I'll blow you one. You just keep that cute little mouth shut tight, huh?  
  
_She goes to sleep. Exit fairies.  
_  
_Hojo_: You know, I can't put my finger on it, but there's something odd about that woman. (Scratches his chin with one claw) Hmm... five o'clock shadow. And I could stand a manicure, too.  
  
_Sleeps. Enter MIROKU and KAGURA.  
_  
_Miroku_: This is pathetic. I'll never get someone to bear my child. She can keep the Changeling. (Aside) To tell you the truth, I don't even know what I'd do with a Changeling. (to Kagura) Just cure her.  
  
_Kagura shakes the flower containing the antidote-- empty._  
  
_Kagura_: Oops.  
  
_Miroku_: I wonder if that youkai would like some nice, fresh pixie to gnaw on?  
  
_Kagura produces the antidote.  
_  
_Kagura_: Geez! Kidding! (Aside) Spoilsport...  
  
_Miroku takes the antidote and cures Sango._  
  
_Miroku_: Now, my Sangotania; wake you, my sweet queen.  
  
_Sango wakes, holding her head.  
_  
_Sango_: Whoa... hangover! (looks up) Miroku? Oy, what a night I had. Methought I was enamored of a big, ugly youkai. If you've been playing with love potions again, so help me, I'm gonna...  
  
_Miroku_: I'm NOT Urd! We'll talk about it later. Here, I brought you a present. Music, such as charmeth sleep.

_Urd_ (From Off): Hey! What's wrong with my love potions???

_Patrick_ (From Off): You stay out of this, Urd!  
  
_Miroku holds up a disk._  
  
_Sango_: Whitesnake! Outrageous! (to Miroku, smiles) So... you cook, do you?  
  
_Miroku_: Among other things.  
  
_They Exit, grinning. Kagura starts to follow..._  
  
_Kagura_: (calling offstage) Miroku?  
  
_Sound of Sango giggling, from off.  
_  
_Miroku_: (from off) Whatever it is, it can wait!  
  
_Kagura_: Um... the demon?  
  
_Miroku_: Oh, very well, cure him, too! (Aside) First thing after the New Year, I'm interviewing for a new staff...  
  
_She cures Hojo, then Exits. Enter KOUGA, KAEDE, SESSHOU, and train, dressed in camouflage.  
  
Kouga_: Nice morning for wargames.  
  
_Kaede_: I was with Inu-Taisho and that Rouroni Kenshin once...  
  
_Sesshou_: Oh, you were not with Kenshin. You didn't have a single scene with him in your whole episode.  
  
_Kaede_: That's my next line. I only have like four, so kindly don't step on them, you crummy Wolverine impersonator!  
  
_Sesshou's claws extend with an audible SNIKT._  
  
_Sesshou_: What'd you call me, bub?  
  
_Sound of Kikyo stirring..  
_  
_Kouga_: What the heck?  
  
_Sesshou_: I think that's my brother there, with Kagome... and Kikyo. (Aside, big grin) That's m'boy.  
  
_Kikyo_: (groans, waking): Ohh... man, what a party...  
  
_Sesshou_: That, on the other hand, is entirely too much information.  
  
_Kagome and Inu-Yasha slowly wake..._  
  
_Kouga_: Wake up, Kagome! Heh... reminds me of that time, when I... (looks at Sesshou) ...being your best friend, bailed you out of that rat-youkai nest for bribing their leader.  
  
_Kagome_: (to Inu-Yasha) How come you never told me about that?  
  
_Inu-Yasha_: That was before your time. (blinks, waking) Wait a minute. Kagome, you love me again?  
  
_Kagome_: Of course.  
  
_Inu-Yasha_: And Kikyo?  
  
_Kikyo_: I still love Naraku.  
  
_Inu-Yasha_: And Naraku?  
  
_Kikyo_: Well, that Jessica Alba from 'Dark Angel' is pretty hot...  
  
_Kikyo smacks him upside the head.  
_  
_Naraku_: Her lack of a sense of humor notwithstanding, I love Kikyo.  
  
_Kagome_: Well, I'll be. I think we've finally got this sorted out.  
  
_Sesshou_: Does this mean I don't get to have anybody executed?  
  
_Kouga_: Sorry, no.  
  
_Sesshou_: Damn. And I was having a good morning, too...  
  
_Kaede_: But at least those millions of Herc fans are breathing easier.  
  
_Kouga_: All right, here's the deal. Since I don't know what you kids were doing out here... and believe me, I don't want to know... and since you pair up so nicely, we're gonna hold your basic shotgun wedding. Follow us back to the palace.  
  
_Sesshou_: Aw, but I want to kill something...!  
  
_Exit Kouga, Sesshou, Kaede, and their train.  
_  
_Naraku_: Anybody got a freakin' clue what just happened?  
  
_Kikyo_: I remember... a strange girl with a fan. And... flying boas?  
  
_All look at Kikyo.  
_  
_Kikyo_: Or maybe that was a dream.  
  
_Inu-Yasha_: Do dead people dream of pixies?  
  
_Kagome_: Let's just follow the Duke, gang.  
  
_Naraku_: Is anybody else bothered by the fact that this play ends with Kikyo still under the influence of an artificial love potion, and I'll never be sure whether she really loves me for me, or is just on a really long acid trip?  
  
_Inu-Yasha_: Naraku, if I were you, I'd take what I could get.  
  
_Naraku_: Sound advice. 'Course, as an evil genius, it still bugs the hell out of me that a love potion worked on a dead priestess. (looks at Kikyo again) But what the hell? I'll get over it.  
  
_They Exit. Hojo jumps up, human once more._  
  
_Hojo_: I'm awake! I'm awake! When's my cue? (looks around) I have had a most rare vision! Through the Force, strange things I have seen. Other places... the future... the past... friends long gone! (Aside) Well, that's close enough to the line, anyway, and if that green gnome wants to make an issue of it, then I'll see him in court.  
  
_Exits._

_  
  
Scene II-- Fountainhead. Shippo's home._

  
  
_Enter SHIPPO, KIRARA, KANNA, SOUTA, and MYOGA.  
_  
_Shippo_: Well, this is just wonderful! The day of our first performance, and the talent is missing! (Aside) My mother wanted me to go to law school, but no, I said, the theater was in my blood...  
  
_Kirara_: Poor Hojo. A bear must have gotten him.  
  
_Kanna_: Or a wolf.  
  
_Myoga_: Or a demon.  
  
_Souta_: Why is everyone looking at me?  
  
_Kirara_: The Duke would have paid him 1,000 thrones for his performance of Pyramus.  
  
_Souta_: Two thousand.  
  
_Kanna_: It's just so... so sad!  
  
_She blows her nose, sniffling. Everybody stares.  
_  
_Kanna_: What're you starin' at? I have a sensitive side!  
  
_Shippo_: Alas, poor Hojo. I knew him, Kirara. He...  
  
_Kirara whispers something in Shippo's ear.  
_  
_Shippo_: Then 'tis a far, far better thing Hojo did than he has ever done...  
  
_Kirara whispers again.  
_  
_Shippo_: Well, what the heck can I say in this play?  
  
_Kirara_: Nothing. We've run longer than the actual scene, as it is.  
  
_Enter HOJO.  
_  
_Hojo_: There you are, and it's about time! I've just flown in from the Fairy Kingdom... and boy, are my arms tired!  
  
_All_: Hojo!  
  
_Shippo_: Oh, now I get it. This is a contract thing, right? Holding out for more money? Well, forget it, pal. Nobody upstages me on my set! You've got a five-year contract to Shippo Productions, Limited, and...  
  
_Hojo takes Shippo by the arms and very nearly dances around.  
_  
_Hojo_: Did anyone ever tell you that that tail looks so cool? (to the others) Well, come on, everyone! The show must go on!  
  
_Exits. Everyone stares at each other.  
_  
_Myoga_: What put him in a good mood?  
  
_Kirara shrugs. They Exit, after Hojo.   
_  
*****

  
  
  



	6. A Midsummernight's Nightmare Act Five

ACT FIVE  
  
Scene I-- Fountainhead. The palace of Kouga.

  
  
_(Author's Note: The last act is almost entirely taken up by Bottom and his friends' production of Pyramus and Thisby. However, the author has always viewed that as anti-climax, and quite frankly he ran out of funny riffs for this play somewhere in the middle of Act Three. Therefore, with your permission, he will skip the play, and merely give you the highlights of the character's lives after that fateful night:_

  
Inu-Yasha eventually managed to master the Tetsusaiga and beat the crap out of Sesshoumaru. After this, they became great friends and ruled their father's lands together.

_Inu-Yasha (From Off): HEY! What about the shards!?_

And he found all the shards, married Kagome, and they lived happily ever after...although I still wonder how the heck they pulled that off. And I think he still hates my guts for making him put on that costume in the Hamlet parody.

  
Roundly criticized for her terrible Blade Runner pun in Act Four, Kagome withdrew from acting business and concentrated on her schooling and finding the Shikon shards. She eventually got together with Inu-Yasha after they were done and married him.

_Kagome (From Off): INU-YASHA! OSUWARI!_

CRASH!

  
Naraku got together with Urd from Aa! Megamisama! And produced love potions, went on to make over four billion...uh...whatever it is they used for money in Sengoku Jidai - marketing their mixtures. But he still won't tell me what the the heck is in that stuff.

  
Kikyo eventually realized that love potions do not, in fact, work on the dead, and that she was only acting on her subconscious attraction to Naraku. This so annoyed her that she filed for divorce, only to find out that-- unfortunately—dead people are also not entitled to community property.  
  
Mirokuberon and Sangotania continue to rule as King and Queen of the fairies, thanks largely to Miroku's elaborate security systems and the fact that there are no other fairies to plot against them. On the request of the author, they eventually exiled Jarjarseed from reality, and used pixie magic to replace all his scenes with a dashing new character, played by a young Harrison Ford. And Sango still refuses to bear his child. (And he still keeps asking every female that is capable to walk on two legs if they will).

  
On a related note, Kohaku wishes me to convey that he still prefers the term 'spirit folk,' though he acknowledges that it "may remind some people of that dreadful Voyager episode."  
  
Kouga and Kaede continued to fill invaluable bit roles in my parodies, at least until new episodes air and I get some different minor characters to play with.

  
Despite occasional complaints about always having to play the heavy, Sesshoumaru remained with the Slightly Surreal players, serving them loyally for many years. Then, one day out of the blue, he tried to sell them out (for personal gain, natch. Or maybe it had something to do with the fact that he'd been thoroughly beaten up by Inu-Yasha) to a rival company. Unfortunately, the rival company was the Marvel Comics Group Players, and Sesshoumaru met up with a short, brooding actor named Logan, who disliked Sesshoumaru's attempts at imitation. The last anyone heard, Logan took Sesshoumaru into a dark alley to "show him what real claws can do." 

  
Hojo Bottom won his lawsuit against Yoda, and was declared free to "continue preaching pseudo-mystical jargon in one scene per episode, or as the plot may require."

  
Shippo Quince became a brilliant, maverick film director, eventually striking it big with a trilogy of epic space-opera flicks: Youkai Wars, The Kitsune Strikes Back, and Return of the Hanyou. His fourth movie, The No-See-Ums Menace, is currently in production. He still vows to remember everyone who helped him along the way, especially his sister Kirara Snug, who has a bit role in all his projects.

  
Myoga Flute, Kanna Starveling, and Souta Snout were offered long-term contracts by Shippo, but chose to remain in their respective jobs instead, for no apparent reason. 

  
Jakenstrate probably shouldn't have been in the cast, inasmuch as I cut almost his entire role. He's still being trampled on by Sesshoumaru.

  
Kagura continues to roam the world, looking for pretty flowers and generally playing the mistress of weather. Rumors that she used a Jedi Mind Trick to convince Miroku not to fire her are entirely unfounded.

  
See-Threepio and Morn went back to their proper sci-fi universes, with no memory of their crossover experience. No internal continuity was harmed in the making of this play.)

  
  


  
  
Scene II-- The same.

  
_Enter KAGURA._  
  
_Kagura_: Um, folks, we have a little problem. I'm supposed to recite Puck's final speech now, but Kikyo kinda used that one in the Hamlet parody, and Miroku doesn't think using the Hamlet ending here would be a good idea. So I've come up with something special to fill time, and well, I hope you like it...  
  
_She giggles and Exits. Enter Inu-Yasha, looking haggard, and Sango, dressed as a cop. Inu-Yasha is bleeding from the mouth.  
_  
_Inu-Yasha_: My mouth's bleeding, Sango! My mouth's bleeding! (feels around in his pocket.) Kagura's petals! There they are! What d'you know about that? MERRY CHRISTMAS!  
  
_Inu-Yasha runs across the stage, in a frenzy.  
_  
_Inu-Yasha_: Merry Christmas, Sengiku Jidai! Merry Christmas, Naraku! Merry Christmas, you wonderful, drafty old hag!  
  
_Enter NARAKU, in a suit and tie.  
_  
_Naraku_: Umm, boss, I got somethin' here for you...  
  
_Inu-Yasha_: I'll bet it's a warrant for my arrest! Isn't it wonderful? I'm going to jail!   
  
_Enter MIROKU, looking angry._  
  
_Miroku_: Kagura!  
  
_Kagura_: You told me to improvise! This is seasonally appropriate! (to the audience) Remember, the moral is: Every time a bell rings, a pixie gets her wings.  
  
_Miroku_: You are an embarrassment to fairies everywhere, do you know that? Get these people off the stage!  
  
_Exit Inu-Yasha, Sango, and Naraku, talking amongst themselves.  
_  
_Inu-Yasha_: (Aside) I thought it was going well. I've always had sort of a Jimmy Stewart charm...  
  
_Sango_: Everybody's a critic.  
  
_Naraku_: We didn't even get to bring out the singing Than for a chorus of "Auld Lang Syne..."  
  
_When they're gone, Miroku turns to Kagura.  
_  
_Miroku_: Now, recite your last line so we can get this travesty over with.  
  
_Kagura_: Gentles, do not reprehend: If you pardon, we will mend. Else the Kagura a liar call; So, good night unto you all. Give me your fans, if we be friends, and Pixie shall restore amends.  
  
_As she heads offstage, Miroku whispers to her..._  
  
_Miroku_: 'Hands,' Kagura! 'Hands!' Not 'fans!' My one chance to play a protagonist, and I have to play off of you through the whole play...  
  
_Kagura stands on tiptoe and gives him a peck on the cheek, bringing him up short.  
_  
_Kagura_: (giggles) Merry Christmas, Miroku.  
  
_Exits.  
  
Miroku_: (Aside) I suppose you think that's the end of it, eh? 'Oh, that Miroku's just hiding a soft heart behind a rough exterior; he really likes the pixie.' Is that what you think? Well, is it? I see. Well, frankly, I don't care what you think! I got to score with Sango in this play! And I got through the whole thing without rhyming! Now, that's my kind of happy ending. Now, I gotta ask her if she will bear my child. Hehehe...  
  
_Exits. Curtain._

_Curtain up again._

_Enter INU-YASHA and ME, he's chasing me with the Tetsusaiga. Again. The rest of the cast is looking amused._

_Inu-Yasha_: You WHAT?? You made Kagome go together with that...that...THING!?? (points at Naraku)

_Naraku_: Hey, watch out what you call me!

_Inu-Yasha_: I've had it with you since that first crummy parody of that stupid human! NOW...STOP...RUNNING...SO I...CAN HIT...YOU! (slashes downwards at every word, and misses, luckily)

_Patrick_: Hey, take it easy! She's back to you, isn't she? I mean, they didn't DO anything! (glances at Kagome nervously) Or did you?

_Kagome_: Well...

_Patrick_ and _Inu-Yasha: Kagome!_

_Kagome_: (In a rush) No! Of course not!

_Inu-Yasha_: Still I'm gonna kill you! (keeps chasing me around, swinging the Tetsusaiga occassionally)

_Patrick_: (halts in midstep, turns around) Hey, you know what's been bugging me since I first saw you lay hands on a sword? You're not even using proper technique!

_Inu-Yasha_ _stops, surprised._

_Patrick_: (pulling a silver glowing katana from out of nowhere, striking an offensive stance) En Garde!

_We fight, I drive Inu-Yasha backwards, and we still fight off the stage. A curse is heard, followed by a _THUD_._

_Patrick _ (From Off): Next time, take sword-fighting lessons before you challenge anyone. No wonder you always get your ass kicked.

_  
_THE END


End file.
